Immortal Love
by Ample Pixie
Summary: This is my retelling of the very romantic first meeting between Elizabeth and Mister Darcy at the Ball. Its my favorite scene so I decided to add in some more dialogue and flirtation. This tale has grown somewhat since inception and is widely regarded as comestible. Give it until ch5 for the plot to develop. Skip ch4. Your vote DETERMINES her CHOICE. RnR plz 10/ch min kthx
1. Chapter 1

**[disclaimer:none of this belongs to me,,,dont flame guys or else youre a haterrrz (lol) :( rate and comment plzzz]]**

It was at the ball that for the first time elizabeth had the privilege of picking out mr darcy from the multitudes of pretentious vampires swirling at glimmering about the dance floor. As he entered the room time seemed to slow to a crawl as the beats of her heart paradoxically quickened with each airy thud of his dreamy bootfalls, each toss of his touseled main of greasy, seductive hair. Even the doorman's hand seemed to linger longer than would be suggestive of mere friendship over MISTER DARCY's broad powerful shoulders, dancing like pale spiders in the throes of toxic asphyxiation. emerging for the shadow of MIRSTER DARCY's radiance,MR BINGLE clad in the most resplendent flamingo feather gown tied witht a sash made of the tail of an otter clicked his ample heels together revealing his suede hip waders garnished around the edges with finger-nail clippings which caught the radiance of the chandelier and sparkled threatenign to drown out the pale-gold glimmer of MISTER DARCY"S pale flesh.

ive never seen so many pretty girls in my life, even prettier than you Darcy" mr bingy said blushing shyly and batting his seven foot eyelashes seductively

A single tear rolled down MISTERDARCYS dehydrated cheek leaving a deep groove in his makeup and splashing to the floor in a puddle of sorrow and chemical bleaching agent.

MRBINGLE was quick to soothe his beleagured friend reasurring him in a sussurating voice "i ardent love you MISTERDARCY" bingle cried unbuttoning MISTERDARCYS waistcoat

"would you do me the honor of accepting my hand MISTER DARCY" Bingle continued his hands feverishly discarding the waistcoat and moving on to the petticoat.

MISTERDARCY looked calmly onto his friend's ostentatiousness and slowly drew a spoon from the inner pocket of his undercoat and surgically removed MISTERBINGYS hand with it. As bingy fell without a sound only a look of limitless happiness on the cosmetic trainwreck that described his features. MISTER DARCY's eyes were deeper than black the sort of tar like pools that would devour your soul. hypnotic and alluring. he reached once more into his tweed jacket and applied some more eyeshadow heightening the contrast of his needle-like orbs with his ivory pearl skin as he luminesced in the candlelight..

Elizabeth hurried over feeling intoxicated by his confidence as he crossed the moldy floorboards with a long-legged manly stride, waistcoat flapping behind him fangs bared and dripping the sweet black blood of his fallen suitor. "insert commentary about vampire novels" she giggled coyly up at him "insert commentary about your face" he muttered back , expulsing blood from his mouth as he did so. "you could not prevail upon me to insert my head anywhere MISTERDARCY" elizabeth retorted the belligerent tension thick in the air between them as she fanned her face furiously oxidizing the flames of love that were rising quickly to her vivacious cheeks.

"I love you so much it makes me vomit in my mouth" MISTERDARCY hissed rapidly swirling his cape upward to obscure his lips. having once again swallowed his heart back to its customary position MISTERDARCY continued, "youre like my own personal brand of heroin" and tried to inject her. "Oh DARCY" she swooned trying to remain aloof "im actually prefer animals" she stammered and several werewolves and the pig pricked up their ears.

"I hunger for you like fat man hungers for hotpockets' he continued tilting her supple pulsating neck toward his fangs. she wanted to go swimming in his eyes...to drown in their depths and float forever in their morbid sadness and be a soulless abomination forver. sighing deeply she slit her tender wrists on his cufflinks and knew no more...


	2. Chapter 2

**[hey fanz I seriously considered not writing anymore because of all the hatez but then I talked it over with my life coach and he said that im focusing on too many things at once and I realized that's the problem with the first chapter, theres too much relationships lawls so I decided to simplify it up a bit for you guises kthx (I also used a spelling check this time XD). I still don't own this btw and id appreciate no flamez]**

Elizabeth awoke to find herself submerged in putrid darkness, the dark stickiness that surrounded her could have been blood. Just then, a ray of pure moonlight shone through a crack in the ceiling revealing her surroundings. "I'm still in the ballroom" she observed, her lithe tongue snapping out each syllable against her sanguine teeth.

"Yes you are" the deep gravelly manliness of MISTERDARSY shimmering into existence from the pale shadows of the dance floor. "and you were not comely enough to tempt me..so i turned you into a vampire so that you would be" he boomed, his voice like a pale thunder, his doleful eyes glistening with soppiness as he applied eyelash thickener and a kind of deep purple eye shadow, grinding the colors into his face with evident self-loathing.

"OHDARCYY" she swooned throwing her seductive pale hair over her pale shoulder wishing it would be dyed purple by his exuberant tears, "that is soo romantic"

cooing softly, she approached his soulless outline.

"do you dance DAaasee" she queried, her pupils dilating to encompass the darkness of his troubled splendor."That is my least favorite thing to do" he muttered clawing derisively at his glistengin hair "but fortunately i hate myself" he continued and held out his hand. his soft, pulsating, manly hand which shone with the fires of his tormented nature, daring elizabeth to be consumed by its awkward flame.

She grasped it, hesitantly at first but finding her strength she tightened her grip on his magnificently pale hand pulling him downward into the certifiable curtain of love she had woven about herself like a caterpillar's alluring cocoon.

They whirled around the dance floor, faster than a sketchy observing eye could follow, (because they were vampires and they are like really fast). Their dancing would have been the envy of the queen of sheba if she were alive in this time period and she would have given all of the treasure in asia to observe their spidery gyrations.

But the queen of sheba was not observing, but someone else was..someone whose spurned spirit boiled in a vat of oily tears that had been set on fire by the friction of the gyrating dancers. This observers spirit suffered a further convulsion upon seeing the dance coming to an end; the dancepires ceasing their nauseating whirling to share a sensuous embrace. The end of the embrace did nothing to soothe the excess bile building in his lungs for it brought the two bloody mouths of the vampires together in sanguine unity, blood leaking past the edges of their clenched lips, scabbing together to form a perfectly unbreakable bond.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry about the hiatus guys, I broke my arm taking care of children. It was like having four-year olds tied to my arms guys,,not fun I broke them. Btdubs, I take issue with the comments about me being in junior high, I'll have you all know that I am a graduate of yale school. That's the Y-A-L-E of the south coast for those of you spelling freaks out there so hah..if you flame I can sue you for libel. N-E-ways the spelling errors are a METAPHORE for the characters emotional state. Learn to do basic literary analysis before you comment, seriously,,,so, yeah I still don't claim to own this just read and enjoy and comment if you have anything constructive,,without further ado (I wrote a lot lol) heres the long awaited chapter 3. (PS there might be a few innuendos in here see if you can spot them ;) )**

A flash of luscious lightning scorched the floor between the couple and platelets groaned under the strain as they tore their faces from each other's vivaciousness in order to cast their alluring gaze upon the silky outline which appeared before them, seeming to evanescence from the shadows. Faster than the speed of lustiness a red gash appeared on Elizabeth's outstretched neck and her widenening pupils alighted on the splendid form of MISTERBINGHY clad only in rarefied seagulls and clutching a bejewled dagger in his unsevered hand.

"May I cut in?" he groveled, plunging the silver dagger into Elizabeth's willowy love handles, slicing through her corset with the ease of an experienced mariner gutting a fish.

"Oh, MRBLINNY how forward" MRDARCY sussurated, oiling his way over the outstretched corpse of Elizabeth and undulating himself into MRBLITHELY's personal space.

Blinking flecks of blood out of his bean-shaped eyes, MRBINGHLY lightly nabbed the corset from its owner and staunched his girthiness with it by constricting it over his bloated rebarbative chest. "Its all the rage in Lon-don these days MRDARSY" he expectorated, removing a pancake from MRDARCIES front pocket and dabbing at the oily silken mop atop his head.

"I had no idea your hair was so Glossy MRDARCY," Binhy entreated, I find it all at once raptrous and, dare I say it?" his flighty mittens equivocating over DARCIES girthsome ribcage. "You neednt fear rebuff from me MRBINGHY, I have long hopelessly admired your loquaciousness and hung on the words of your industrious tongue and danced a gallows jig on the reverberation of your assiduous vocal cords." "if that is the case then," BINGEY continued "I must say that i find your hair most inducing, its pearlescence astounds and excites me, i would bathe in its greasy caverns would I be assured safe passage through its harrowing parts" "Your hair part has frequently harrowed my dreams MISTERBINGHY" Darcy drawled poking his gnarled fingers into MISTERBINGYS eye, alluringly.

Touching MRDARCIES hair was ecstatic torture for MISTERBINGLING, the greasy strands adhering to his knobbly thumbs with a flame of ardor undampened by the imminent saturation of his dopamine receptors.

"OH MRDARCY your mottled complexion is making me positively dimple" BINGGY grinned, tongue lolling exuberantly as he applied The Cream to DARCY's troubled brow.

Sweat and oil mixed in a turbulent flow down MRBINGHYs pleated spine, overheating the sauna of his roiling emotions and causing an irrevocable transformation to commence. "The moon.." he panted through his elongating teeth. "Ahh..the gibbous is indeed waxing, MISTERBINGHY" DARCY sputtered with a condemning eye rolled soporifically toward the heavens. "No..its nearly full" BINGEY corrected him, down on all fours, hair spreading over his torso like butter over a teflon biscuit. "Oh..already?" interrogated THEDARCY clearly misapprehending the danger as BINGHY, suddenly in full wolf form turned and devoured him, shredding each oily fragment like a BP pinata and overdosing on the fresh crunch of immortal bones.


	4. Chapter 4

**[Guess whut guys! I found a new word for you! You are all LOATHERZ! Lawlzzz I wrote the next part of the story for y'all… I….]**

Bump

MRDARCY fluffed his gargantuan chin, as he gazed down the uvula of MRBINGEEs incorrigible maw. *fluff* fluff* he reverberated in the cavernous wastes of MSSRBINGYs gullot of harlotry…

As the LUSTINESS FOX lulled forward Marissa's haunches gripped in his florid incisors Wolf-BINGY greeted him with telegenic idolatry.

**[So guisse that's a sneak peak of what you have to look forward to in the coming fortnights..don't stress out all conflicts will be resolved in time. Thnakx for reading and commenting…..I take your criticisms for heart . . -AP]**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hi Guys was I missed? I know its been a while but its beena hard couple of days dealing with the election results and me broken arms guys i though i died...PLUS someone HACKED my account totally and posted like my notes for chapter four instead of the actual chapter but I cant really do reruns like they do on television now cannn I? But im back and i have some arm strength enough, i trieed lifting a package of oreos today and nearly fell asleeep i was so tired. I dont understand it i wrap my arms tightly in hemp roppe every night to increase the strength but it doesnt seem to be working anybody heard of this? So this cahpter is kinda long lol because i really poured al ot of my adrenaline into this because i havent been using it since i broke my wrists. but at least i have my account back and i can stop posting this on live journal becaus i dontkknow how to read comments on that...but it doesnt actually look that long now that ive decreased the font so here it is to you the spawn of my affection i feel like jane sooo happyy1 -AP**

Mr Bingley awoke beneath the emerald arms of an ancient deciduous the diffracted sunlight patterning his mottled epidermis which was devoid of protection from its cloying rays. Licking a bizarre yet delectable ferrous taste from his impacted molars, he sat up crosslegged, his abdominals rippling with the strain of elevating his ruddy pumpkin of a head. As his narrow pupils focused to the shape of crescent moons, they espied an aloof figure, standing tall and mysterious beneath a concentrated thicket of elms. The figure inclined his strong, masculine chinline and somehow managed to both flare his nostrils and flutter his eyelashes in a clear 'come hither' invitation.

Mr Bingle rolled himself to perch unsteadily on his grungy toes and lurched into motion toward the spectral aloofiness. The man's face was a livid sneer but it was the obsidian of his eyes that arrested Mr, Biley's substantial inertia. They were like holes in the fabric of reality itself, or perhaps they showed the coloration of the soul of the rapturous man to which they belonged. As for his bodice, it was a mountain of conflicting clothes all of them as black as his eyes, standing in frightening contrast with his vaguely translucent flesh. The juxtaposition of this overcoated monolith of dudgeon with Mr, Bingey's indecency would have been tortuous to Msr, Binney's placid Victorian upbringing were it not for the lurid insanity he seemed to inhale from those distant yet uncomfortably proximal irises.

After a wordless and consensual exchange of garmets, the figure smote Mr, Binells cochlea with a rasping voice of pure masculinity which unbalanced him. "Oh, MR BINNGLE" he reverberated, and at the sound of those words as if by magic a shroud of mist seemed to burn away from his eyes and Mr Bingle recognized ...

"MR DARCY!" his exhale was as the steam pressure release of a modern locomotive "I feared that your pale ardor had gone out of this world which was too unready for that which you aaaaahhh" The last word was accented by the exquisite pain of MRDARCY draining a full pint of crimson life force from Mr Biffles proffered carotid.

As MR Binle sank to the loamy marsh infused with his drippings his head was cradled by the taller mans brooding pectorals. The hooked and deliberate nose of MR DARCY descended a half inch to examine the fallen member of the gentry, dripping paleness to mingle with the debris of the hideous sycophant. "My humblest and most deprecating apologies" MRDARCY purred, his top coat fluffing about him, refusing to be turned red by the copious blood, turning it black instead. He continued, "Oh MR BINGEY your blood tastes so capital this fine morning. I shall need its peculiar spicyness for my impending confrontation with LIZZZ" the last syllable was a gurgle of coagulation in his lungs. As he regained control of his vocal cords he spat out more exposition. "I harbor no ill will toward you for snacking on my creamy dermis but regeneration requires strength, strength from your *sniff* bloooood"

Just then there was a harrowing amount of blurred motion and Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Bennett, Mary Bennett, Catherine "Kitty" Bennett, and Lydia Bennett twirled into the scene. Elizabeth strode forward boldly, accusatory fangs prominent. "In order to ensure that your substantial property holdings will belong to us we must kill your Bingey love" she spat at him "Oh also I turned my sisters into a vampyre coven" They all hissed in unison: "VAMPIRE BATTLE!"


	6. Chapter 6

**A?N::: Salutations faithful readeres! I have been listening carefilly tio your comments listening. especiilally a certain hatefilled soliloquy by a certain RAINKAYHEART who thinks that all stories should have LITERAL METAPHORES. As even a rudimentary literary analyst should know a METAPHORE is a figure of speech that constructs an analogy between two things or ideas. The analogy is then conveyed by what I like to call a "metaphorical" word in place of some other word. For example, luscious oil instead of walking. HOONESTLY. im beginnign to wonder if im just wasting my talents hear. too subtle perhaps. i tried to base my writing style off the great EEcomings; he didtn believe in haters either in fact he used hallucinogens. maybe i should move my work over to meryton ****li****ke the late Kat 'kitty' suggested. Opinion the comment plzz! This is grate chapter of action i think so you should be enjoying! Also what is this stuff about putting "on" people, like clothes? is this a euphemism? i like to task the review! explain plzz?**

Elizabeth strode into the grove her teeth preceding her toward MRDARCy and the prostrate MRBINGGY. "Hello" she lisped through her bifurcated lips but MRDARCY was indifferent, one implicit eyebrow quavered, the other stood hidden behind his manifold locks. She sparkled then, and the radiance was that of a bonfire of fireflies. Her back was scaly with diamonds or perhaps her flesh befuddled the ambient light to reflect at all angles. She approached MRBLINGY tempestuously and hesitated briefly above his neck, but MRDARCY eyes were the portrait of obliviation. She bit into his neck then,, her fangs sliding perfectly into the holes left by MRDARCYs earlier snacking as if they had meant to be there all along as if they fit. Destiny?  
"drink this quickly and it wont seem so strange" she cawed to her sisters and they descended like bats on MRBIFFLE.. His vertebrae unable to take the strain. he rolled his pelvis and his eyes sitting up as he did so. Shaking the vampires off him like blood droplets he swayed unsteadily to his mottled dimply legs...

The vampires encircled him hissing like bats and he seized a tree branch to defend himself. It was knotted and cylindrical and his fingers toyed over its grooves until it seemed to undulate. Jane bennet attacked first her wholesome face contorted with a fierce hunger. MRBINELY, amorous though he was, felled her with a whisk from his tree branch. Overcome with jealousy, Mary Bennet and Lydia Bennet attacked next, their twin fingernails whirling.

They attacked first for his pumkin coloured hair, whose fiery vivacity seemed to scandalize them. aas they infliceted grevious scalp degradation upon him, he snarled and,,, ducking beneath their undulating fingers,,, tightened their corsets with a krippling alakrity, Their plump waists struggled against the corsetting strain but MRBINTLY esq grip was ferrous against the battle of the bulge. He blinked slowly exploding them while he tensioned them...salaciously.

Only Catherine "kitty" Bennett remained (except for elizabeth..but shes more of a final boss) and no MRBINGLE was a match for her. He rolled over and tried to play dead but that only encouraged her advances. Just then, when the situation seemed extremely prejudiced against him, MRDARCY removed his pale glove revealing his softly manicured palm. This handsome feature immediately arrested the attention of Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Bennett, Mary Bennett, Catherine "Kitty" Bennett, and Lydia Bennett. The hand seemed to glow and pulsate gently, beckoning with promises of it being able to open carriage doors.

The fingers were curved gently upward and when he unclenched his fist, it was as the first lotus blooming in the spring time. The hand was neatly manicured, or perhaps its natural beauty required no maintenance and it was simply an icon of the perfection of nature. Neither wrinkle nor blemish marred its palmate venation and the only fault to its grandeur was its magnificently distended love line.

Elizabeth was not culled by this apparition however, she spat atMRDARCYs outsrteched limb and skreeeched "you zephyr!" (zephyr is a very ancient vampire curse guys and the fact that elizabeth uses it is brutal testimony to how very very exteremly put out she is). "Why are you raising your hand against mine sisters of the Bennett clan?"

DARCY shattered his silence then, "When true physical superiority exists...pride in one's skin-tone is a virtue befitting a gentleman...in such situations a man of means does not hesitate to inspire awe in his lessers" MRDARCY sniffed.

Unable to resist any more Elizabeth took MRDARCYs hands and kissed them. "your hands are cold" she fluted.

MRDARCY nodded.

"I paradoxically love coldness" she muttered with an icy trill creeping into her larynx "I will do you the honor of accepting your hands now" she continued ominously

MRDARCY nodded.

The bennett sisters were about to attack when suddenly Lydia Bennett screamed and exploded into ash and the sun rose to reveal Mr Collinz! striding over the hilltop, double barrelled perambulator loaded with holy water. "It is up to the minister to set the example of badassery in his parish" He bloviatied as Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Bennett, Mary Bennett, Catherine "Kitty" Bennett, and Lydia Bennett, sponged away into the sodden night...


	7. Chapter 7

A?N: EXCLAIMER: I Dont own MrDARCY but I wwish I did because yumyumyum you know? Anyway, I apoligize for the delay in this chapter guys,, I spilled like a liter of boba on my keyboard and I had to write this on my CELL PHONE with texts you guys,, thats like 125 character limit not fun you guys. I profusely apologizxe for the lack of elizabeth in this chapter because I know shes all like the heroin or whatever but I really needed to get my darcy fix this time around so if youll all just bear with me in this that would be epic cool. (also if you have any good ideas on for getting elizxabeth back into the story pm me or leave it in the comments kk.} Also try really hard and read before you flame this time guys because like it might be missed the meaning the first time through you know?

"Thanke goodness you were here, Mssr. Collinz" were the first sounds heard as the sun of a new dawn rose bright and cheery over the vale, and they were spoken by MR DARCY unto the preacher (Mssr colons) who had just passed over them his benediction.

"I cannot abide the presents of vampires in this parish FITZWILLIAM" MR collins reposted thinly, preening at the well-nattered form at his feet which was neither him nor his referent. "Its a good thing we have men of capital around FITZWILLIAM or this parish would be underwritten by the forces of darkness, FITZWILLIAM, and I have some peculiar ideas FITZWILLIAM, that I think will benefit this parish greatly especially in the removal of vampires from its borders, that I would like to expound upon at greater length, if you, FITZWILLIAM, will consent to do so at a fancy ball" he added tremulously "where we can be...more at ease" he added a mumbled FITZWILLIAM and strenuously licked at his lips.

The sky echoed a further noise then, the gurgling of MR BINTLY, whose plight wouldve been overlooked were it not for his grooming. "here is a man of low social standing" screamed his wounds, but the parting of his hair, the darning of his socks, and the meticulously ironed crease of his spats bespoke "thusly lies MR BILTY, of wealth" and it was true. a deluge of holy water sufficed to mend his ravished neckline and soaked clean through his assorted longcoats, undercoats, and adjunct other coats moistening nigh unto his very flesh, pink-hued and molten in the ember rays of the rising dawn. But, the water, repelled by some cachet of modesty had not upended his pretty cowlick which deepened the angles of his face, lined as they were with the cares of those things that that he had seen.

Having secured MR DARSY's assent and a few other things, MRR COLLINS bounded over the hilltrees and was gone leaving the two dapper socialites swaying in the sudden breeze of his departure. Inching closer to MR DARCYss knee, MR BINHIY dared to look upon that face. He looked. It was not a handsome face. That would be like calling water damp as MR BINGHY was inclined to. The face rather, transcended sensuality into something neither masculine nor effete but like a cold obdurate pillar of despair which threatened to burn the eyes of the unworthy with its violent sense-beams. It was radiating attraction. The sun would be burned by its cold flame of allure. MR BINGHY gave a shout for the face was the face of ohhhh MR DARSY.

"How did MR COLLINS not know you were a vampyre?" MR BINGELLY nuanced. "Masqueara" was the terse reply from the toothsome mouth obscured my the pouty lips which were a sensational crimson gash between the dimpled cheeks describing the pallid visage which composed the exquisite, ineffable mien of MR DAARCy's face, as he began ministrations all over MR BINGHLY's onetime wounds. Linking arms they flew away. Their distraction had left them only fifteen minutes before the banquet.

****time passage****

"I must say m'darscy, you do put on a most elegante ball" lisped the high-backed and regal Lady Catherine deBurrgh through her prominent tricuspids. "why it must've taken you at least a firthnight to set all this elegance" She stressed the word elegance, hoping the Mr Darcy would read into it a muted invitation..and perhaps..something vaguely illicit.

MRdARCY only nodded. Despite his vampiric speed it had taken quite an effort to prepare an entire fancy dress ball from scratch and his exertions had left him wan and pale, all the borrowed blood having left his cheeks leaving him HUNGRY.

Wiping his nose melancholically upon his pocket handkerchief, powdered as it was with a fine white dust ground from the bones of his ancestors, obscuring the teltale darkness of his pores with its clogging grains, he began pining for elizabeth.

It was not twenty firths ago that they had been madly consumed by icy vampiric love and their pale twirling had been the envy of all onlookers."Oh my darcy" was the interrupting sound of Lady debrouw "I say do you dance Darcy my inexhaustable love?"

"Dont be so obtuse you voluptuous harpy" was the retort from MRDARCYs corrupted lips. "The prospect of dancing with you is quite enough to upset my digestion"

"Youre not lured by my WILES?"

"Madame you are a tart and a strumpet good day..or should I say a very good day"

MRDARCY's dialogue was interupted by the point of a silvered stake knife tickling the back of his slender bodice.

"Hallo, Darcy you old meat bag, you old sack of flour, you newly-minted farthing. Its me your old pal MR WICKWAM come to collect what is owed from our ancient debt." MR Lickham said sliding his sinuous tongue along MRDARCYs sclerotic scapula.


	8. Chapter 8

Atmosphere! It was dark and grim-lit, the stars having turned away their gaze in shame at the glimmering beauty of flittering dancers in the gardens below. The ball was in full swing, and despite being the colouration of a moonlit sand dune MR DARCY wasn't quite receiving the attention his spiky cheekbones (which shaded the dank pits of his eyes) usually drew. Though he was not one to crave the spotlight, MMR DARCY may have wished at that moment that more eyes were drawn to his predicament as he was acutely aware of the needlike tongue and stilleto of MR Wick-Ham caressing his backbone-odiously.

"Well how about it darcy-pal (Mr wickham is using affability to cover for his dangerous)" MR wikhm reposted verbally?

Muted sorrow was the only reply that came from Darcy, except for his underhanded wink directed inopportunely at Lady catherine debroghou who was still there but then fainted.

There was a seemingly conical isolation area that seemed to surround the talkers as they communicated between one another and no one could dare intrude as they played a sharp battle of wits. Wickum talking feverishly like a monologuing pirhana and Darcy patient as a comotose sloth.

"Certain promises have been made to me, you old liverwrust," he continued practically heaving words from his diaphragm, "Certain..how do you say...invitations, and I would quite like them to be kept. I believe, and correct me if im overbosomed, that I am owed certain items, certain..mammals, if you sniff what I'm intimating. You delightfully aged cheese. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm saying you are a bag of comestables, Mr DARCY, and I am here to collect. Vis a vis, I am owed your sister. NOW SEASON HER AND BRING HER TO ME." He finished.

A skeletal claw rose to the lustrous spheres in the eyesockets of MR DARCY, and wiped away what would have been, on a lesser man, tears, but on him were more likely three parts blood to one part corrosive solvent. For he cared for his sister Georgiana in his own prudent way. The amiability of the ball was still lost on him as he thought back to their childhood days together in their ancestral mansion. How her blood had been drained daily to sustain his effete hunger. How she had loved pansies before they had invented the tradition of daily parties where incurious dancers would trample them. She was buried now under the very gardens she had so loved. But MR Darcy could tell MR Wick-am none of this. He could only sigh morosely and hope that his incising was quicker than Wickum's slicing. He thought of elizabeth then, as his thoughts had been doing these past few hours since he met her. It must have been his imagination that he saw her as one of the obscurant dancing figurines in the foreground. She had also loved to dance, perhaps as much as he himself loved masochism. But she couldnt possibly be here, now, at this party he was hosting at his house..could she...

... ... ...

She couldn't. Because she had fled many miles away from the brooding chin and masculine aroma of MR Darcy. However, his lustrous spheres scanned the dancers anyway however they were not availed, however.

"Oh, Mr BINGY" Darcy called risking everything on a gamble he was making. But it was no use as MR BINGY was also hard of hearing in the one ear that he had turned toward Darcy.

Just then, gouts of flame shot up from the ground and a shimmering flash was all that could be seen of several gauzy vampires as they descended on the screaming party-goers. The vacant drooling eyes of MR Wickham blinked once, the only opening the steroidal reflexes of MR DARCYs super vampiric speed needed to stab a well oiled heel of his extensively polished shoes into MR Wickhams cartiliginous hind-legs.

"Attention party-goers" shrieked elizabeth who was the gauziest of the vampires there assembled "WE are here to feed. Also to dance superlatively."

The ground heaved beneath MR Wickhams dubious footing and out of her comatose entombed slumber emerged the coquetteish georgiana DARCY from the ground. " Do you play duets miss elizabeth" she asked coquettishly casting about for someone to murderize.

MR Wick-ham had somewhat composed himself and now leaping to his hands were knives. Several knives to a hand he came at the two Darcys and his hands were also knives now due potentially to some birth defect or experimental surgery gone awry, and the two DARCYs steeled themselves for his razor wits.


	9. Chapter 9

**{A?N: Hey gentile readerz,,I am apologetic for the last chapter haveing no an from me so you dont get to into the hole creative process you know? I like to know that the riteres is going on in the wirter head you know? There was some kind of error that stopped me from uploading A?N on the last ch; guys is this SOPA? But alas. Immortal love is finishing up a thousand thank yous from my dripping heart for you guys there will be only 10 chapters after this one and then it is finish while i work on some of my other fanworks. you guys have been a barrell of rejuvinating liquer in a mothstorm of life. I have really groan as an arthur from these. Stay tune for the finale. (its in two parts like twilight) all will be revealed lol XD}**

_ive been to every one of your parties watching from that tree like a bat_

The darkness of the evening was platable to the one known as MR DRACY. ALthough he was having knives thrust towards himself by one of the MR Wixkham he pleasantly ingratiated himself to the evening.

Georgiann wwas with him and their glimmering was dazzling.

Spitting ancient and unseemly cruft, MR witcham slashed downward a knife-laden appendage. His aim was to stab. and though the preternatural speed, MR DARCY got stabbed. MR WICHam was quicker still.

"i dont think you realize what youve done to me" examined MRDARCY

Exhuming his tears once more in a tragic bout of melancholy, the oil of his visage subsumed.

"then you better explain it" examined witch-ham in verbal return. And then under his, vocal chords pitched for those supernatural ears alone: "youve... transformed"  
Midnight tears mixed with darker blood as the wound in the abdomen of MR DARCY convulsed and disappeared to be replaced with his fulsome handsomeness of COLIN FIRTH!

It was his grandeur that was rich and terrible but his personality remained the bitter shell of one whose popularity was merely the result of cosmetic enhancement. "you were perfect; you still are" drooled whicholm shirvleing into insignificance next to the irradiance of the animal majesty before him. They moved toward each other in a timeless dance, the resounding party forgotten in their momentum. "I never thought of you as a dancer" firthed their lips to each other each syllable marked by the passage of saliva. It was the knife-hand of MR wiccan that was the first to rise and leave a descending crimson scar, a vibrant tongue of dragon flame, on the ivory cheekbone. a more caressing hand came next, sinking deep into the cocktail of experimental beauty products which concealed a raging tumult of testosterone or MR DARCYs skin.  
"you have my handprint on your face." were the words whcih spoke wikam only cheapening the act. "are you in a lot of pain?"  
MR DARCYies flesh tinted vampyrically as he rose to his firth splendour and bestowed upon the lesser mortal a few chioce syllables "i feel... awful"  
"me... too"  
"do... you want me to stay with you?"  
"well, we have a two day supply of red jello" calculated mrdarcy by vampiric precession "after that...BLOOD" he intoned, firthshadowing ominously.  
Colour returned to the world, if pale ardour is a color, as mr wigwam excepted the terns of their agreement. Taken in by the firthsome old bat mr wickhand. "your grace overwhelms me" he said shoked that he was undone.

The partygoers were dead but at the revelation of Firth?DARCY they came to rapt attention.  
Mr Bingley was no longer comatose and rose languidly to confront wickham who had replaced him. "oh there will always be ample room at Pemperlee for you MRDarcy," grated the Bingee-trifle lapping up to the hem of MRColin Darcys suspenders. WICKAM shouted mr darcy warningleee in apprehension of the ensuing clusterfirth.

A flash of luscious lightning washed over the scene and revealed the Bennets, although this time there were more than just the daughters. The patriarch of the Bennet clan was not a vampire but was instead a rotund jiggly man sporting mustaches of the utmost pomposity. "how happy for you, MR BINDELY to possess a talent for flattering with such...soppiness."  
He reverbed, emoting with his firtharms acting as if he were milking a cosmic cow. Then to his daughters he licked out a few semantics. "If none of you marry MR DARCY, I shall never see you again, and i shall never see you again if you dont"

"OH MR BENNET" MR DARCY trilled the full seduction of his eyebrows upturned in his direction, its noble beams tearing through bodice and modesty on its glamorous path to fruition. It was time for him to choose a suitable spouse: the numerous comely daughters he beheld, the oblate, dangerously obese patriarch, the ensanguinated ELizabth, the whip-smart and unbosomed MRWITHHAM, or the bulbous, slightly inchoate, vegetable fillet of handsome: MR BITLY, or the pig.

_{A?N:VOte for your favourite pairing in the comments guys I may take your criticisms for heart if your appeal for a particular matching is moving enough}}}_


	10. Chapter 10 Part I

**OMG yay**

**ANHey my few and farious follweres. This is the fabled end of mine own narrative occuring en quibus sub bina carnum ya know? I recently received the queens own gloves in approval so its really time to move on any of you know how to get wine stains out of mustard or fox tails for that matter leave it in the comments? KTHx ]]]]]]] p.s i have just bin lurving axes and roses lately olz...=.= pps if you remember he must choze!**

It was at the BALL that for the last time MR DARCy had the pleasure of picking out MS. elizabeth from the myriad of pretentious vampires; swirling at, glimmering about the dance floor. A melange of suitors aerated before him- some befouling the air, others providing welcome succor for his deviated septum.

Loathe as he was to choose from amoung the hoary multitude, he knew he mustered up his courage.  
"Oh woe that I condemned to this incestuous gibbet like the propertied member of the _noblesse_ that I am" he uvulated to himself  
Panning over the assembly like twin prospectors, his starlit apertures greedily inhaled the venue.

He first beheld the candelabra, smouldering away with the patience of a hag-faced lover discarded in a ditch like an incipient trowel. But it was not the finger of flame that arrested his face, but rather the finger pressed to a face of flaming beauty.

...elizabeth

That those two words could heave such effects throughout his gastro-intestinal tract as to leave him catastrophically incapable of peristalsis...he knew not. But he thought- as he half-mooned his lidded eyes- that here he could forever bury his abasement and his fangs, here in this pale, generic face: which had not been comely enough mortal; but which would make a fair port for his fleet of bicuspids now that it was undying.

elizabeths eye stalked his as they roved. Each seeking a weakness, but finding nothing but deep psychological horrors overlying a veneer of neuroses. The chemistry between them was endothermic and snuffed the candelabra with a sound like lady catherine deburrow's nasal catastrophe.

She saw his towering cheekbones accelerate glacially upwards, and he tossed back the creamy venom of his saliva with thoracic difficulty as his adam's apple ripened for speech.

_who wilt he chose?_ she fomented, and identical thoughts raced through her companions as well.

There were uncountably infinite Bennets to choose from; not just daughters but the patriarch as well, his skin folds dancing the jig of the corpulent as he waited impatiently. Of the non bennets there were pulchritudinous options as well: Mr Biguiley, his dove soft neck ever albidinous in the moonlight, or perhaps mr lick-ham, the swarthy liver-spotted tongue of a man whose translucent skin had been rendered phantasmagorical in the moonlight

"It is in vain that I have struggled; my feelings will not be repressed" Mr Darcy began, his voice an abyssopelagic grinding throughout the grounds.

"almost from our earliest moments i have come to feel for you an almost.. regurgitative passion.  
He crossed to eliabther continuing in his monastic syllables  
"I ferment at you  
my skin blisters at your touch  
when you entered my life like a toaster oven into a bathtub of sorrow:  
our love is like a pair of croissants in a pool of pirrahanas"

eliabeth struggled to remain composured. Garnishing her with his affections, his afflictions.

_i am fervent choose you_

**/*End of part I...when you hear the tone..turn to part 2 guises..im so woozy on blood writing. If im not bak its cause im on the leechings so if you get to it also my life coach told me to. piece**


	11. Chapter 10 Part II

**AN: 'Lo guise? You shouldnt be reading this much in one time. It is how you get framed for child-reaering, no alibi you know? (gooey personal experience warning:) This is the second part of my existential prose so it is like the finale to ham. But on the other, it has been as priviledge ad nauseum to write for you and your clergy and I will hope check out my downton abbey fiction it is not there yet. sisterhood or else-The AP */:)**

As he moved in to libidinous clothe her, he asked "relieve my sufferage plz"  
The tears sluiced over her buxom features.

Mr Blankley could literally not take this sitting down. Perspiration condensed at the oblong peaks of his chin-brow and facial contortions, or perhaps the peculiar brand of lard which comprised his carnation was merely liquid at room temperature and beginning to creep. Folds of molten tallow hung limply from beneath his eyes face and supernum, as the peculiar will that allowed his cheeselike form to remain taut had fled at MR DARCYS pronouncement.

Quilting his way among the throng, MMr Blinkly choked back tears and masticated his pride, "Oh Mr DARCCY, I have come to feel for you a expulsive passion, why you are a one man bacchanalia" he typhooned through years of physiological torment.

Face to face with the dreaded gryphon of moral quandary, MR darcy writhed his spirit with the sinewy agility of rattlesnakes boiled in oil. Contemptuousing his gaze into the sphere of Mr ablately, a quavering eyebrow spoke enough volumes to give tinnitus.

Mr Binghy! quailed " un_utterably_"

Requiring the unrequited use of both upper-limbs, MR Bennett, as wide a man as was possible under the dimensions of the rhoom, fulcrumed upwards.

"Not an improvident man, I" unwound his larynx, leading his vocal imprecations with the jutting clefts of his morbid, putrescent lips, "But, I take exception to blandishments of the improprietous; WHen wilt the marreage scheremony commensurate?" and MRDARCY saw that his mouth was pandiculating under a veritable menorah of moustache wax.

"when the bleating of your heart matches the pleating of your spine" coldy retorted MRDaRCY his brazier of ardour ensconced in a dungeness shell. Momentarily relieved, Mr Blissy resumed his literary deconstruction of the trouser.

Elder Bennett had not become the senior attache of salted pig fat on account of hypotension, and he shifted his inertial frame to face the suiter. Rotundity so vast it was driven to abstraction hove into the corneas of all present.

the solidification of his corpulence was arrested by a cavernous gurgling emitting from his maw; Blood the viscosity of waffle-batter forced itself through plaque encrusted veins and slowly reddened his visage.

"How could this..this _specimen_ of _latrinalia, _this slubberdegullion, be sufficiently innervated to challenge the inevitable consolidation of bennet and daRCY?" MrBennet hemorrhaged the syllables in every direction.

"father; plz" ensorceled elizabeth, hissing up a nest of adders. "we control the party, and an hideous menagerie of undead sycophants," she indicated her sisters with a delicately sinusoidal nail-bed. "even mr cullens, previously inimicable to our suit, has become our mindless hypno-slave" she shimmied. her albino appendage massaging at a full flask of mind-leech.

the visurient knaves constituting the party inclined toward the leechy smoothy. "We are unable to resist and so on..." they monotonous intone before returning themselves to the orgy of subduction which had been their past, present, participle.

"Oh MRDarcy, I knew that what in most men is the milk of human kindness is instead in you curdled away to mere balsamic reduction," cried Binghy his hands sultry with epilepsy; his heart filled with so much rejection it was probably a transplant. "Yet do not let the mouth-drippings of this dozy buffalo harangue you into a union beneficent to them and border-line usurious to you. You teh great DARCY and for marriage to befall you would be a loss to the world not seen since antedeluvian times, when I am given to understand a giant anteater named olfactory harold preyed upon gentleman of the aristocracy with gargantuan probosci."

"your political commentary sickens and arouses me" darcy replied, as the jejune Bingleling squelched his way into the shade provided by MRDARCies base coat.

"too late!" foreshadowed the Taftian monstrosity of Old Bennet, "you thoroughly choosed liz, you cant choosed another"

But the turbulence within Murmerdarcy awoke. "My Id is distended and there is much beetling of my outthrust brows." darsay moaned, pantomiming for his life. "This choice has harried me for too many!"

Then, in a flash of enlightenment corresponding with a temporal lobe seizure, he discovered the true meaning of the communist utopia:

"The rotted scales have fallen from my ensalted eyes" he foamed, "No longer shall I vacillate betwixt ripping the heart out of the financial sector and ripping out the heart of love from my own internally scarlet chest! I shall marry everyone equally and distribute my properties accordingly. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their self-respect. They have my love to win. Come with me, all, and drown in sin"

MrBeanit was apple-plectic, his spring-loaded dentures leapt from his mouth in an apparent effort to rend the offending darcy. "Thish ish an outrashe" he gargled the dry martini of his tears and continued "no daughter of mine will enter such an arrangement"

"I'm sorry guvnor" mewled "I couldn't hear you over the sound of your daughters heaving bosoms"

ellabeth stirred from her carnalian trance. Alone of all the subjects of the animal kingdom, MsRdarsays musk had the compelling power over her brain that she had come to associate with the idealogical censorship of an aristocratic mascu-hegemonic society. the olfaction of which haunted her with its slight afterbite of estrogenous pig. It was spirit of hartshorn for her inner-femininity, sal vitale rumpusing its way through her gastro-intestines, writing a scripture of idolatry amoung the innermost folds of her gamey heart. His masculine aroma rendered her immotile.

"In proportion therefore, as the repulsiveness of the suitor increases, the affection increases as well." she bleated through vulpine lips.

the peak of the eiger was less jagged than the concave sneer on MRDARCYs scaffold.  
"My desire is unworthy of your notice. I am a sheep shorn of the wool of chastity"

Bingheey was leechlike affianced to his coattails, but she little heeded him, transmorgified as she was by the viscous syllables bubbling up from the fossilized reserves of darcys diaphragm.

"your ribs have grown ossified by years of rejection,but there are other avenues into your heart" mused Darsay fondling for a love handle.

"dost thou yearn in my general direction?" his teeth beckoned invitingly.

"I..do so yearn" she professed "completely, perfectly and fluorescently"  
his balance was somewhat hampered by the queue of eager suitors grasping for his stygian coats, but, she reflected, they would have plenty of time to practice.

As chlorinated skin stretched over neatly manicured molars, he leaned down and immersed her in the clammy embrace of Immortal Love.


End file.
